Appeared in the Salem Statesman-Journal May 2, 2010 and the Iowa City Press-Citizen May 5, 2010
1.1) Redesign the dollar bill
to get the Latin off the rear.
If you can't spend a buck in English
your money's no good here.
1.2) E pluribus unum is out as well
since Latin can't make us one.
1.3) And Mardi Gras is finis too
since anti-English is anti-fun.
1.4) Say hasta la vista to Ricky Martin
for living La Vida Loca.
1.5) And it's au revoir to Starbucks too
for serving café mocha.
1.6) Ban Twain and Hurston from de schools.
Dose di'lects make us skittish.
1.7) And Shakespeare gets the sack of course
for penning his plays in British.
1.8) Sayonara to taekwondo,
sushi, and haiku.
1.9) And say goodbye to "Arizona"—
it needs an English nombre too.