Limbaugh to Judge Miss America Pageant

—Appeared in the Salem Statesman-Journal November 1, 2009

The studio is quiet now.
The staff has all clocked out.
The issues have been flogged to death.
There's no room left for doubt.

He turns the "On Air" sign to "Off."
The microphone is too.
Yet he stays in his seat and thinks.
There's still work left to do.

He judges right and wrong all day,
heroically and hurried.
But judging a beauty pageant leaves him,
frankly, rather worried.

For what does he know of beauty—
of fields of stars or flowers?
He is the star, fielding incoming calls
every day for hours.

He deals with pageantry all the time.
He's got some talent there.
He practices his scowl and then
a very studied stare.

Man Wanted for Using Counterfeit Bills at State Fair

—appeared in the Statesman-Journal October 1, 2009

Why is it whenever I go to the fair
with a twenty-dollar bill
and lose it all at the softball toss,
it's called a "game of skill"?

Why when I pay a buck or two
to see The Human Snake
and it's just two bodies sewn together
is it called a "genuine fake"?

And why when I buy a bunch of knives
that cut a can to size
but never get them to work at home
is it called "free enterprise"?

But when I print a dollar or two
to have some fun at the fair?
I'm arrested and called a danger to others
and am taken away from there.

We Can Do Better Than That

Appeared in the Statesman-Journal on September 5, 2009

For “luxury living in the heart of Salem,”
The Rivers has asked for a loan.
“We desperately need a product to show,”
or so says one partner, Matt Sloan.

We’ve bailed out airlines, Big Oil, Detroit,
Freddie Mac and AIG,
so why not the Front Street condos as well?
It sounds okay to me.

In fact, we can do better than that.
Why loan when we can give?
Times are tough for all of us,
and even the well-off need places to live.

But why only give? It’s important, you see,
that we help the properties sell.
I’m sure we could get a helluva price
if we promise to buy them as well.

The Ballad of Ben Cannon and House Bill 2461

Appeared in the Oregon Statesman-Journal on June 3, 2009

In the Twinkling Star, your neighborhood bar,
Ben Cannon sat down with a stranger—
a guy from Missouri who seemed in a hurry
and who reeked of political danger.

“Now Ben,” the man said, “your reputation has spread.
You’re young, good-looking, and smart.
And I’m happy to say I’ve come all this way
to tell you it’s only a start—

that I think you’re put here like the froth on a beer
to finish a well-poured draw.
I can help your career if you lend me your ear
and consider a possible law.”

And the man from Anheuser said from Portland to Keizer
Oregonians were lushes and sots,
so addicted to hops they just couldn’t say stop
and who gulped every beer that they bought.

“Just one little tax,” said the man sitting back,
“could treat ’em and sober ’em right.
What’s a penny or two on the cost of a brew
on this—this Michelob Light—

compared to the aid you’d get back in trade
to cure all of OR-ee-GONE?”
Then cracking his neck, he picked up the check
and left without stifling a yawn.

And the very next day, with no shades of grey,
Ben Cannon set out to win—
to tax every flaw, be it keg, can, or draw.
“Love the sinner,” he said, “Tax the sin.”

So that’s how the lobbyist ran out the hobbyist,
how Ben Cannon’s bill shed its blood.
That’s why Oregon’s brews are now singing the blues—
why the Twinkling Star serves just Bud.